I want to write something for my year-end blog post, similar to previous years, because I want it to be a tradition. But I can’t seem to find my drive to craft a good year-ender entry. And me thinking so hard how to sum up my 2019, and not knowing what to write, is really a reflection of the year that was – losing drive and focus.
I know this is such a downer to start a supposed-to-be-positive post. But let’s acknowledge and appreciate both the good and the bad. After all, they are both elemental to who we are right now.
I was so excited to dive into 2019, because I really needed to start afresh coming from the very dark 2018. And I must say I was able to handle the first few months quite well. I really tried my best to be positive, and to bring back my bubbly self. Little did I know that by forcing to do so, I’d become more tired and vulnerable to my own emotions. I was trying so hard to be okay again, because I, myself, cannot stand being unhappy and less energetic than I used to be. Maybe it also comes with age; the more you become an adult, the less enthusiastic you become. But I don’t want to age like that. So I resisted to become one. Until I became tired of fighting to be my happy self again. I made a promise to myself that I will embrace every emotion I am going through, but because I know I’m feeling less and less of myself as the day goes by, and I don’t want the people around me to deal with my unstable self, I always put on a bubbly facade. And honestly, faking it did not do me good.
I diverted my attention to working my ass off, as if my ways of working before isn’t an enough example of driving myself into the burnout stage. I worked and worked until I’m no longer capable of functioning well. I may have actually drove myself into loving my work less than I used to. And for that I hated myself even more.
I know I am tired. I know I need a break. But I barely got the chance to get a total rest that will give me a clear headspace. I have those weekends I will spend just lying on my bed not doing anything with the excuse I deserve it, because I’m not getting ample sleep on weekdays. There are days I would refuse to function. But because responsibilities call, I will still show up, at the bare minimum, just to get through whatever responsibility I have to attend to.
2019 is the year of losing interest in whatever I thought I love doing. It is the year of losing focus, because I am very busy concealing and hiding my “flawed” personality. It is the year of questioning my self-worth, despite me always saying to myself that it should be the year of self-love/self-care. I put too much pressure to myself to be who I was before I lost the most important person in my life.
But amidst all of these negative thoughts, 2019 is still a year of breakthroughs and blessings. I grew to be more independent. I learned to be stronger, and to be a fighter. I learned to never back down even if I just really want to cave in. The Lord is truly good for gifting me with so many blessings I thought I don’t deserve at all.
Since this is also an end of a decade, allow me to look back on the past 10 years of my life. I can say that this decade has been the best and the worst at the same time. And although the weight of the worst experience is much heavier, there are still beautiful things that happened to me. I went to the top university in the country. I learned to live independently, away from my family. I met new friends that became like family. I enjoyed doing my thesis. I graduated almost cum laude. I landed a job immediately. I reconnected with past love, and now we’re six-years-strong. I resigned, but got a better job I was so passionate about. I got promoted thrice in a span of five years. I learned more about myself. I gained so much life skills. I learned to be more prayerful, and to be closer to God. And so much more has happened to me. And with that, I know this decade is still somehow hard to beat.
2019 is like 2018 but a little easier to deal with. And you know what they say, when you hit rock bottom, there’s no other way but to go up. So here I am ready to soar in the coming new year.
Let’s get it on, 2020! I’m ready for you. ❤️
I pray and hope that this new year will bring us all peace, happiness, love, good health, abundance and less stress. 🙏